GREAT MORNING!  

Welcome back to Unity Spiritual Center!

OK, we’ve come to the 4^th Agreement, Always Do Your Best.

With this 4^th Agreement, we integrate the first three and put them all to the test by doing each one in the best way we can. Easy, right?

Not necessarily so.

Have you tried one yet, much less all 4?!!?

So, let’s look at each of the first three agreements and what that would look like when looking through the eyes of doing our best.

The 1^st Agreement; Be Impeccable with Your Word. As a reminder, to be impeccable with our word, we wish to observe our words, both internal and those we speak; to ourselves and to others, about our life and about society. This means no gossiping!

Have you tried that yet? It may be more difficult than you think. Think back over the last few days…how often did you find yourself in the midst of gossiping with family or friends, without even a second thought?

It is a serious ‘habit’ that many of us have and without much thought. So, review your recent discussions and when the talk came around to about someone, how much was gossip?

And how do we tell if its gossip? Great question.

The dictionary tells us gossip is “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true”.

We can ask ourselves – Is It True? Is It Necessary? Is It Kind?

 

Is It True?  

While we rarely speak with the intention to tell outright lies, that doesn’t make our words true. We can perpetuate rumors, spread gossip, exaggerate in ways that cater to our egos and personal bias. Or, we can simply talk in ways that aren’t authentic to who we are and what we want to communicate. When speaking, ask yourself, Is this true? And if it’s not, why am I saying it? What am I really trying to communicate by stretching the truth?   

Is It Necessary?  

Words that take the form of negative comments, complains, or insults can help air our grievances, but they don’t always improve upon the silence. While we mustn’t ever censor ourselves, there are many times when what we want to say isn’t necessary or helpful for the situation at hand. Or, it might be necessary, but not for the given time, place, or audience. It’s always worth considering, Is this necessary? Is this necessary right now? Are these exact words right for the message I want to communicate?

Is It Kind?  

When you say things, are you showing empathy? Are you taking into consideration the feelings of others? Are you saying something that will lift the mood or lift the spirits of those in the room? Expressing kindness isn’t about mindless optimism or giving gratuitous compliments: it’s about knowing which words are the most compassionate. Sometimes, this means refraining from speaking at all. Other times, it means saying what has to be said but using only the gentlest phrasing. Always ask, is this kind? Does what I’m about to say express compassion?  

The goal of mindful speech is not to police your sentences. The point is to be conscious of the words that we often take for granted. Being mindful about speech simply means slowing down and choosing our sentences with care. 

Being impeccable and doing our best…are you doing your best when it comes to being impeccable with your words…spoken and thoughts?

It may mean taking a step back when gathering with family and friends and when gossiping starts, either excuse yourself, or, better yet, ask the people involved to refrain from using the power of words against others…including yourself.

Agreement #2; Don’t take anything personally. If you recall, this agreement also has to do with the power and magic of words. This is about how we react to what others say and do about or against us.

And how could we do our best with this agreement?  Easily said but not necessarily done, remember that what others say and do is about them, not you. If we remember that it is about the other person, then we get to choose how or even IF we wish to respond.

It’s the old, don’t react, respond rule. And if we are good at keeping this agreement as best as we are able, then we are always in responding mode, not reacting. If we find ourselves reacting, we know that we are not doing our best.

And Agreement #3; Don’t make assumptions. The biggest and best way to always do our best with this Agreement is to ask questions. Make sure you are understanding what the other person is trying to say. It is up to us to understand the other person and if we don’t to ask for further explanation; if we don’t say, “tell me more,” then we are not doing our best.

And as the speaker, it is up to us to make sure the person you are speaking with understands what you are saying.

So, both persons in the discussion have a responsibility to each other. And THAT is how we do our best when we are not making assumptions.

Not only is this a great way for understanding communication, but it is also a way to be authentic, with yourself and with others. Being authentic is how we want to show up.

It involves doing the best that one can individually manage, which varies from the different situations and circumstances that the individual may encounter. Ruiz believes that if one avoids self-judgment and does their best in every given moment, they will be able to avoid regret.

 By incorporating the first three agreements and doing the best they can in all facets of life, individuals will be able to live a life free from sorrow and self-ridicule.

Our best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to feeling ill. Or maybe you don’t enjoy the task at hand, do you slack off or do you put 100% into it?

We know what the answer SHOULD be to that question, but do you do your 100%, no matter what? I hope so, even if the 100% you give this morning may look and even feel different than the 100% you give this evening.

Can you admit to yourself and maybe even your family and friends, that sometimes your best is not your highest quality, but at the time, it is your best…and THAT is ok?

Can you be ok with that? If you are doing your 100%, you can’t do more than that, even if, yesterday, your 100% was a bit more quality than today.

And no matter what, you can’t give more than 100%…Not possible. It may feel that way to you, but it’s not possible.  Sounds nice tho, doesn’t it? All you do if you try to go beyond what your 100% is at the time is frustrate yourself and probably wear yourself down. And often, trying beyond your energy level causes accidents and inadequate work.

So just try to make progress, do better the next time. Don’t compare yourself to others; your best is not the same as your friends or family. Just learn from your experiences and each time you will get better.

Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Did you know there is a 5^th Agreement? Yes…Be Skeptical-But Learn to Listen. It has to do with saying what you mean, making sure you understand what the other is saying. It’s up to you to make sure you hear their words correctly just as it’s up to you to say what you mean, understand the intent of your words and what you are hearing.

There are many words of wisdom from our many masters and people who have shown us the way. Many paths on the spiritual journey. We often travel many of those paths until we find the right fit. And even that changes from time to time.

Pray for yourself and each other, that not only do we do are best, but we raise others up as we travel this spiritual path…whatever that path may be.

GREAT MORNING!  

Welcome back to Unity Spiritual Center!

How’s everyone today?

We started this miniseries on The Four Agreements, a few weeks ago with the most important Agreement, Be Impeccable with Your Word. How have you been doing with that?

Being impeccable means watching all your words and use only words that express love, including your thoughts!

Not only ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ but THINK about others as you would have them Think about you!

Thoughts are powerful also.

We followed up that Agreement with number 2, “Don’t Take Anything Personally”. This agreement is about words too, but it’s about what others have to say about us and how we handle it.

Now we are at agreement number 3, “Don’t Make Assumptions”

For example: A policeman was heading home after a long, hard day on patrol. He had dealt with a whole succession of difficult people, and a mountain of frustrating paperwork. All he wanted at this point was to kick back, unwind, enjoy some peace and quiet, and maybe watch a few innings of baseball on TV.

But, as he neared his home, he was startled by a vehicle that came careening around a sharp curve and narrowly missed his squad car. As the car passed within inches of him, the other driver shouted “Pig!”

The police officer was suddenly energized. He slammed on his breaks, all set to turn his squad car around and head off in hot pursuit. But as he rounded the curve….he ran head-on into a large pig that was standing in the middle of the road.

How often do we make an assumption that turns out to be completely inaccurate? More often, I would submit, than when the assumption is correct.

We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything. It helps us organize our thoughts. However, as we said earlier, more often than not the assumption isn’t true.

And that is the problem, when we make an assumption, we believe it to be true, like our policeman earlier.

And when we make that assumption, it can lead to suffering.

We make assumptions about what others are thinking or doing – we take it personally-then we blame them and react by being angry, manipulative, or avoid the person.

When one assumes what others are thinking, it can create stress and interpersonal conflict because the person believes their assumption is a representation of the truth.

“Because we are afraid to ask for clarification, we make assumptions and believe we are right; then try to defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong.”

We only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear.

The funny thing is that the only way we can see anything is through our own eyes – through our own experiences that lead to our assumptions.  However, what Ruiz is cautioning us to do is to know this and to avoid projecting our perceptions onto others.  

When you avoid projecting your perceptions onto others, you are better able to detach from a potential emotional charge that might or might not be intended.  Also, you aren’t jumping to any conclusions until you have listened with clarity – you have actively listened.  

To practice active listening requires you to listen with full attention, ask questions, and paraphrase/repeat what was said to check for clear understanding.  When the other person agrees that you have understood them, the communication is less ambiguous and more harmonious.  

This is easy to talk about and makes perfect sense, but it is not always easy to do.  It requires commitment to the cultivation of habit and loving, undistracted focus.

Ruiz suggests that you find the courage to listen without making assumptions as well as to “express what you really want”.  We can interpret this to mean that we must not make assumptions that we are being heard in the way we mean to be heard.  This requires responsibility for your “voice”, and if you are misunderstood, it means that the issue might be the other person’s miscomprehension, or it might be your miscommunication.  

Don’t make assumptions about this either because that is only a distraction and can cause an artificial emotional charge for the egos involved, including yours.  Instead, take responsibility because if the other person has miscomprehended, it means that you have, nevertheless, miscommunicated!

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Asking “Tell me more,” or “I don’t know,” or even “I don’t understand,” can lead to further discussion and avoid the assumption that could happen if the questions were not asked.

Making assumptions in our relationships is really asking for problems.

We often make assumptions that our partners know what we think, what we want. We talked about this when we discussed “The 5 Love Languages.”  Do you recall what your love language is?

Remember, a solution to overcoming the act of making an assumption is to ask questions and ensure that the communication is clear between the persons involved.

Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

The human mind works in interesting ways in that it has a need to justify everything, to explain and understand everything, in order to feel safe. There are so many things that the human mind cannot explain. It is not important if the answer is correct; just the answer itself makes us feel safe. This is why we make assumptions.

And probably why we have so many answers to the same questions. Just look at our politics. We made the assumption that everyone saw things as we do. They thought as we did, felt as we did, made judgments as we did…and THAT is the biggest assumption we can make!

So, the way to keep from making assumptions is to ask questions. Make sure to communicate clearly. If you don’t understand, ask. Have the courage to ask questions until you are clear as can be and even then, don’t assume you know all there is to know about a given situation.

Find your voice to ask. Everyone has the right to say no, but you always have the right to ask.

We are here to transform our lives and that of our Earth. We are to find the deeper parts of ourselves, to let go that which binds us and to find something larger which expands us and moves us into a deeper peace, a deeper appreciation and a deeper love.

Without making assumptions, your word becomes impeccable

GREAT MORNING!  

Welcome back to Unity Spiritual Center!

Good morning again, and it is great to be with you again.  Any way we can stay connected with you…right!

Let’s take a few moments to remember….not just what September 11^th means to most of us, but to remember those who are not with us physically, but definitely, in Spirit.

We continue with our Series; “The Four Agreements

We are in our second week of this new series on the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. This series is giving us another opportunity to question where we are and where we wish to be headed on the spiritual journey, we call life.

Forward or backwards? Which will it be? Always your choice. Thought we know by now that going backwards isn’t really an option. Once we know these truths, we can’t really go back. That’s why our 5^th Principle tells us to put our Truth into action, however that looks.

And these Agreements may help us all make the choices we need to make on the journey of forward motion.

Remember, these are agreements that you have made with life. You must have agreed with it to make it true for you.

So, did last week’s Message, “Be Impeccable with Your Word” start anything for you? Did it resonate? Did you consider your words and what they were telling you about yourself? About others?

We want to use our words to build up, not take down. We wish to speak with integrity and honesty.

This second agreement is about thoughts, words, and actions also, but it is about what others have to say about us and how we handle it.

“Don’t take anything personally”

When we take things personally, we are agreeing with what was said about us. We are trapped in ‘personal importance,’ everything is about me, me, me.

Are we really that self-centered?

Even when a situation seems so personal, maybe someone is insulting you directly, it’s not you. It’s the other person’s issue. Sometimes that’s hard to accept at the moment…we react instead or taking a breathe and respond.

I am sure we all have situations where we have been insulted, or hurt, by something that was said towards you. It can be difficult to not be offended when that statement hits a chord within you.

I can recall walking my first bichon, Tosha, she was getting old, walking slow, her fur not as thick, you could see her age spots through it. As we walked through the neighborhood, some teens skateboarded by us saying, “Ugly lady, ugly dog.” I must have believed that to have it bother me at the time.

Or when we had a chasm in our young Unity community a few years ago, I was told by one of the folks who suddenly left the congregation, that I didn’t know what I was doing, and we needed someone who did.

Each time I had to go within and see where I believed the statement and then heal that wound.

This is where forgiveness comes to play…again!

Forgiveness is the fulfillment of a divine law, one that can open my very soul to the presence of God within me and within others. Even when I believe I have been wronged by another person, I forgive — not just for the sake of the other person, but also for my own sake.

When I forgive, I am taking responsibility for cocreating my life. I don’t spend time blaming others for things in the past or make excuses for current outcomes. I invest my time and energy in cocreating powerful, new experiences in the present moment.

When I forgive someone, I may have some effect on that person, but I myself am deeply affected. Inner peace, caring, and respect fill my days as I bring spiritual qualities into expression in every activity of life.

So, pay attention to those times when we are wounded by another’s words or actions. See where the wound is that needs healing. And then work on that healing.

We can’t truly be free until we can stop taking things personally. At the time we get offended we have given our power to that person. We are being controlled by their words, behavior, their actions.

As soon as we understand that what others think about us is none of our business, we are free.

But when we buy into their words, we have given over to the attachment of those words…they now have meaning to us, we believe them. They have energy.

What would happen if we took that energy from being offended and use it to be transformed? To truly know who we are, what we are made of?

We are of God, Divine Spirit…we are spiritual beings; we are not powerless, not weak, but powerful.

Don’t react when someone says to you, “Now don’t take this personally, but…?” We know intellectually who we are, but we still get that gut reaction, don’t we?

We must learn to keep our hearts open and not take it personally. Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with us, it is about them. Hard to do…but it is worth the effort.

Stop living in the realm of emotions and the outer and begin to live from within. D not be a victim to others’ opinions…don’t take things personally.

Here are the steps to remember who we are when someone offends us:

1. Be still, be silent
2. Recognize that our buttons have been pushed.
3. Look within to find the wounded place, an old story and heal it.
4. Remember to open your heart.
5. Remember we are made of spirit
6. Remember that whatever anyone does or says to you, that it does not disturb the calm peace of your soul.

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are not immune to the opinions and actions of others, you will be the victim of needless suffering.”

Don’t choose suffering. Take the opportunity to transform that energy to growth. Be the true you…a part of our Creator, blessed to be here. Be grateful for all your blessings and share them with your family and friends. Share your love with the Earth and her children.

Let’s get back on track and take care of each other. And we can do that by knowing what we say and how we say it. Speak with truth and honesty, with compassion and love and we will transform our world to one of peace.

GREAT MORNING!  

Welcome back to Unity Spiritual Center!

New Series: The Four Agreements

Do you remember when you were very young, growing up first in your family, and later as you made your way through your school. Maybe attending a religious service weekly.

And all the things, the rules and concepts and laws that you, and me…all of us, were taught as we made our way along in family and society.

We learned what our language was and our religion, what the rules of the house were and what would happen if they were not followed. And we continued to learn the rewards and punishments as we moved through all the parts of society…home, school, church, work…etc.

Don Miguel Ruiz calls these Agreements. We made agreements with our families, our school and workplace, everywhere. We allowed ourselves to be domesticated by our society, by these hundreds of agreements.

If we wished for acceptance, we strived to follow these rules of rewards and punishments. This was what brought us love…and who doesn’t want love?

If we are beautiful enough…we will be loved.

If we are smart enough…we will be loved.

If we don’t show emotion…don’t cry…we will be loved.

If we stood out with talent, athletically or academically or musically or artistically….we would be loved. We’d have fans.

Don Miguel Ruiz tells us, “Whenever we hear an opinion and believe it, we make an agreement, and it becomes part of our belief system. …somewhere someone told us through their word, that we were not enough, and we agreed with it.”

And so, we end up judging ourselves…comparing ourselves against others. We judge the others too, searching for perfection.

Well, the time of making our way through life repeating the same 95% of the 60,000 thoughts we have every day is gone. We are way past the time foraging for food while at the same time watching out for saber-toothed tiger attacks.

Of all these agreements, the most important ones are the ones you have with yourself…who you are, what you feel, what you believe, and how to behave. I see it as your true self, your integrity.

When we hold onto agreements that make us suffer, make us fail in life…they hold us back. They interfere with our inner as well as outer, growth.

We must find the will, the courage to break these fear-based agreements.

To do that, we can use these positive, Four Agreements:

1. Be impeccable with your word
2. Don’t take anything personally
3. Don’t make assumptions
4. Always do your best

By making a pact with these four key agreements, an individual is able to dramatically impact the amount of happiness they feel in their lives, regardless of external circumstances

First, Be impeccable with your word.

In Ruiz’s mind, this is the most important.’ Can you think why?

It is the most difficult one to honor.

To be impeccable means to be in accordance with the highest standards of propriety; faultless.

We are told that being impeccable means “without sin.”  sin, according to Ruiz, is anything that you do which goes against yourself. When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself.”

We ‘speak with integrity.’ Saying only what you mean. And avoiding speaking against yourself or to gossip.

This is more than being honest. We are to use our speech to lift up ourselves and those around us, to build community rather than tear it down.

Being impeccable with our word begins with ourselves. We all know that a lot of negative self-talk goes on…in fact, we probably talk more negatively about ourselves than we do of others. If we use negative talk with ourselves, it’s bound to come out against others eventually.

Of course, we all make mistakes, but as we take responsibility for our words and actions without judgment for ourselves or for others, we learn and grow. And move forward.

Our words are not just a sound or a written symbol. They have energy, force…it is a power we all have to express and communicate, to think and to create.

We humans are the only creatures that have this power of the word, to create…like magic…

One of my favorite quotes from the Harry Potter series is:

 “Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it.” – Dumbledore

Words have power. Their meaning crystallizes perceptions that shape our beliefs, drive our behavior, and ultimately, create our world. Their power arises from our emotional responses when we read, speak, or hear them.

Take the words interview and interrogation. Which would you like to hear when entering a meeting?

Each one presented a different vision in your mind as to what you might experience in the meeting, did it not?

So, we need to choose our words wisely.

Rumi: “Raise your words, not your voice. It is the rain that grows flowers, not the thunder.”

We learned to gossip by agreement. As children we heard the adults around us gossip, openly giving their opinions about others… we thought this was a normal way of communicating.

We spoke more about gossip a few weeks ago when we discussed the song, “I heard it through the grapevine.”

Gossip is likened to a computer virus, using the same language but with harmful intent. Often, hearing something said about another is imprinted in our mind, and it is difficult to release. This is the harm of gossip. So you have a preconceived opinion of someone, often before you even meet them!

Do you recall the story I told you about a man living in a village. Here’s another example that you can see and maybe feel the result of careless words.

A father had been noticing his son and the anger he exhibited on a very short fuse. Finally, it came time to try a new way of discussing the damage that happens when we say things in anger, or even hurt, and how those words cannot be taken back.

The Father took his son to the back yard which was enclosed with a wooden fence, He handed him some nails and a hammer and said to let his anger out by hitting the nails with the hammer into the fence.

After the son finished all the nails his father had given him, he said he felt better. Then the father asked what if those nails were words spoken in anger?

Then he told his son to remove the nails. After that, the boy saw the holes that were left. His father explained even though the anger was expressed the damage done by the spoken words could not be removed.

This is an example of not only a safe way to get rid of excess energy but also the damage done when we do not handle anger in healthy ways.

We are imprinted with the words and the emotional code that they were said with. We may not know why the other was saying the words – were they angry, jealous? What was the motivation?

So, we end up looking through the other persons lens, their fear and judgments, instead of our own opinions.

I carry word I have heard in my younger years still…I try not to react to them, but sometimes I am not in a strong position, emotionally, and I let them linger until I turn it around.

We are always building our world with our words…. what are you building? Think about that.

If we are going to be Impeccable with our words, we are

1. Building our own self up with the words,
2. Supporting others, sharing love, radiating positive thoughts and feelings,
3. Using our words in the direction of truth and the energy of love.

When we use our word to support another, to share love, positive thoughts, & feelings, we are actually loving ourselves.

We can only use our word ‘against another, (which is actually against ourselves) if we do not love ourselves.

Buddha – “Whatever words we utter should be chosen with great care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.”

From ‘The Four Agreements’ “For years we have received gossip from the words of others, but also from ourselves. We talk to ourselves constantly, and mostly saying things like: ‘oh, I look fat,’ ‘I look ugly,’ ‘I’m getting old,’ ‘I’m stupid,’ ‘I will never be good enough,’ and similar negative statements.” See how we use the word against ourselves?

Did you find one that you say to yourself?

We must begin to understand what the word is and what it does.

If we understand the 1^st agreement, be impeccable with your word, we begin to see all the changes that can happen in our life. Changes first in the way we deal with ourselves, and later in the way we deal with other people, especially those we love the most.

Consider that your opinion is only your point of view, created from your beliefs, your ego and your dream. Spreading it to others is your ego wishing to be right.

Being impeccable with your word clears your mind from negativity, so only words of love survive.

Just this one agreement can change your whole life. It can free you from all fear and transform it into joy and love.

Here are some positive ways to put this into practice:

Ask yourself where you are impeccable with your word?

Practice using your words with integrity.

Begin with yourself…tell yourself each day how much you love yourself, how great you are, how wonderful you are.

Use words to break the agreements you have made with yourself, maybe through domestication with your family, your religious beliefs.

Speak only words of love, peace, joy.